Why do we have a marriage life like this? I didn’t expect my marriage life to be this. The package is promising but the inside is unexpectedly awful. I thought given the much grace would give me a peace of mind and happiness but instead it’s only temporary. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m married with the responsibility of providing lives to a two families. I’m really crying now. I just can’t control the pain inside me. I really didn’t expect these all to happen in my marriage life. Everything at the start was planned. And that we have to delay having our baby for us to be stable but now! What happened? It’s like we’re starting to save all over again because we still have to take responsibilities of our unfortunate families. Why do we have to bear all these? I just hope something good will happen to us in the future in return. I also hope I still have the courage to fight my inner self to stop all these from happening. People think that we’re already fortunate to have big income but they just don’t know. And I also think that I’m already fortunate but it’s not easy.
I need to let these all come out…… do they know that I am suffering in some ways? That sometimes when I’m working all these keep haunting me? Do they have the fear or worry that I have right now? Or they’re just worry-free because they have the feeling that they can turn on us whenever they need us… Why are they so irresponsible of their actions that other people will have to bear the consequence? I want to shout to release the pain inside me….
Now I ask what really made me cry?…..
I cried because …
1) I didn’t expect my life to be this
2) I thought that having a life like this will just be okay as long as money will keep pouring in
3) I can’t afford to question my husband why? Because in the first place my family has been given much favor than his. I already knew then before La-arni was put to school that the other side if not it’ll be Ariel won’t find it hard to demand. Sometimes I asked, will our life be different if we didn’t let La-arni continue schooling? Besides before I agree with the idea the budget was only for La-arni there wasn’t any arrangement for Poloy. I think all these is because of La-arni’s schooling. If only I knew then…..
4) I’m tired of all these…. Would it be possible not to think of money? And worry only when zero balance come? As I’ve said everything was planned….. save-save-save for whom?
5) I don’t know…………. How can I deflate myself now, when all these are inside of me. I can’t afford to smile. I want to shut myself out to the whole world!…. Why? Why? Why?……
6) Are all these my obstacles in life? When others are having other problems will these be my share? Well God has succeeded…..he has let me cry. Or is it fate? Ariel says I don’t have to blame God….. then who will I? I guess I’ll blame fate because there’s nothing I can do about this except to accept my fate. And sad to say I can’t accept it. I accept it with bitterness.
I just poured in here all that’s in my heart and in my mind as of this moment. Now I'm calm....
1 comment:
This is the comment of my friend, Haze but she can't write it here since she doesn't have an account(she send me message in my friendster acct)I'll post it anyway... he he he :)
With blessings come great responsibilities.
It is painful when you want to say No to something; But you just can not because if you do people (family) will judge you negatively. And you feel that you are so burdened by the responsibilities and problems of others.
But on the positive side; It is still a blessing since it is you who is helping; And not you who needs the help. So SMILE, who said life is fair? :)
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