Saturday, July 28, 2007

My Faith in God

I’ve realized that I talk to God whenever difficult situation arises. I already knew this when I was a child at that the time that I learned to pray. Since then I’ve realized that God gives us problems so as not to forget him. But now that I’m at this age my husband always tells me not to blame God for whatever bad happenings. He said how pity God is for He’s always the one to blame and yes, I agree with him.

My husband was a sacristan during his early adolescence and when he decided to join the seminary, his mother didn’t allow him. I think since then his view of religion has changed and increased when he met his atheist friend. But he said he’s not atheist. He’s just not for religion but he believes in God and in goodness of humanity. He also reminds me of my friend. They almost share the same point of view. It’s ironic though that we were married in the Catholic Church. I think both of us knew the reason.

Ever since we were married, we seldom attended the Sunday mass. When we went it was me who had always exerted the effort. Later on I gave up on him and I myself stopped also. I feel that I should just follow him because his reasons are almost always true. He said that some religious people are hypocrites. I see him as a very good person so I didn’t doubt his beliefs in life. So I decided to follow him. But I think It’s not easy for me. We don’t have the same attitude. I believe it’s not hard for him to be good because I think he’s born with it and I think I’m born to be bad. (oh, wow! What am I thinking?) Really, I really thought of it. That’s why he said that I needed to see a psychologist or hear the word of God in Eucharistic celebration because I need guidance for my inappropriate behaviors. As for me, well I just have to keep my mind focus as much as possible to control my attitude. I don’t like to go to church then later on if I do something bad he’ll confront me with of what I’ll learn of going to the mass (I think I don’t have principles of my).

I think because of my being a pessimist that I get mad easily and my mind crowds that I suddenly become narrow minded. Good though that my husband is always there to cheer me up if he can still tolerate my actions. If not, then a big fight happens.

Last night, the Virgin Mary’s replica was put in our home as a sign of reverence. Though I used to be expose in such activity, I now found it odd to worship such figure. Actually it’s almost two years now that I haven’t engaged myself in religious activities so what happened last night was an awakening on my beliefs. So I just decided to respect the religious activity but will still go on with my usual life that is not for religion though with God. I said not for religion because we no longer go to Sunday mass but not really restricting ourselves to attend if needed. I’ll talk to God directly and worship him on my own. Worship – this is something that I need to think if I’m capable of. How will I worship Him my own ways? Do I really need to show to the world that I worship Him? Will good actions not enough, which I believe would please Him? Good actions – am I capable of doing these without my husband’s influence? Haayyyy….. what am I? I think partly bad & good. As to which is greater that’s still something I gradually need to realize. At present I think I need constant guidance to be good. J

Friday, July 27, 2007

I Think I’m Paranoid (Prohibited Thoughts)

Just a while ago, my hubby told me that my mother-in-law might visit us in our home this coming Sunday. Immediate thought that comes to my mind is “oh, my. So they’re going to come and will have a transport service back & forth w/the obedient son as the driver”. The thought makes me uncomfortable especially now that we’re almost in financial disaster (mind the gasoline cost :( ). So I made no further comment so as not to hurt my partner’s feelings. He already had or has this in mind that when it comes to giving favors to his family I’m always not in favor while when if it comes to mine no hesitation from me.

I am pondering, why do I always have this feeling? Is it normal to daughter-in-laws not usually in good terms w/their mother in laws? I wonder if my husband also feels the same way towards my mother. If he is, then he’s very successful not to show or air out to me. But based on my observations, he’s a very good son-in-law to my mother. As always, I think he’s born to be naturally good & kind person. So I think, it never crosses his mind the thing I’m writing now (he he he… well, he thinks that I need a psychologist to express my mind).

I sometimes have negative feelings towards my mother-in-law but when I come to meet and talk to her my feelings and thoughts toward her changes. I learned that she’s also concern of our financial status and that she’s not wasting the allotment. Maybe I need to talk to her constantly to know her more and eventually learn to love her. I have this feeling that when it comes to situation where my hubby has to decide and she’s involved, no matter how I fight my right, my hubby ends up deciding in favor of his mother. Well, I love my hubby so I learned to accept the fact that I’m not to let my hubby choose between his mother and me. The magnitude of his love for us is immeasurable.

Maybe if my mother-in-law is not financially dependent on us, my outlook towards her might be different. Since on my side, though my family is also financially dependent on us, I’ve seen how my mother worked to at least lessen their financial dependence on us. I don’t know if my mother-in-law is also doing the same thing. In fairness to her though, she’s not that physically capable I think to work since she already has some body illnesses. On the other side, I’ve received much goodness from my mother-in-law then. Whenever we’re out together, she treated me highly special. She gives me my favorite fruits. I think I’m really a bad person to think negatively of my mother-in-law. I don’t know I think I’m paranoid.

To my loving husband if you’ll be able to read this, please forgive me. I think I’m out of my mind. I just express my mind right now to ease my selfish emotions. I hope you understand. Now, I’m okay. I love you .

Monday, July 23, 2007

My Stagnant Career

I’m bored of my job. But they said you have to love your job to be productive. Or am I really bored of my job alone or bored of my life? This is the question that keeps haunting me.

Basically I think I’m disappointed of the turn of events of my career. I want to be in a big company where there are good benefits, many colleagues that I could be friend of and (I’ve just realized lately) – no Saturday work. I’ve realized that I should’ve known what I wanted from the start. Even when I was choosing my course career or if not when I was looking for a job after graduation.

I love my previous job before. It was very challenging, many personnel that I could interact with but unrewarding, which made me quit. So without so much hassle I landed in my present work now. Not much stress but I already realized even from the start that it’s a boring job. The pay is okay but no benefits given except what’s required by the Department of Labor. In some ways, my transfer to another company is just a breakeven of my personal satisfaction.

I’m already more than two years in my present work now and I slowly applied for some better jobs posted in the net. There is this bank that I tried applying without much expectation and was happy to learned that my application was given the status of “under consideration” for two weeks. Unfortunately just today I checked and knew that my application was unsuccessful, meaning the employer has found a better applicant. So I ponder, what now? Will I be stuck in this job for the rest of my life? Should I just accept that there’s no better company out there hiring that would fit my qualification?

After graduation, I had dreamed of working in a big company working my way up to a higher position. So it was really a great relief to be accepted in a manufacturing company not knowing what I’ll be in to. Sadly I wasn’t able to adjust to the working environment and to the work assigned to me. I was so naïve then. I wasn’t able to observe the company’s set up. They practiced putting an employee on their own feet without much guide and so I drowned. Naturally, I resigned.

My family was depending on me at that time for my financial help so I can’t afford to have myself jobless. After my first job, I lost confidence of my self-capabilities and decided to make a new start. I immediately accepted a job without knowing much about the company because of the pressure of having money. I slowly worked my way and I admit it wasn’t really easy. There were times when I wanted to quit because of humiliation but I thought, “Where will I go?” I didn’t have much experience of accounting works. So I stayed and conquered all the difficult challenges that came. It was really tears and laughter in that job. I enjoyed and loved it. I was awarded as an Outstanding Office Employee for the year. But as I’ve said, the risk outweighs the compensation I received.

Now in my current job, I’m the manager of myself. This is the greatest gift I considered every time I think of my past hardships, in work and in family matters. But I’ve come now to the boredom point of my work. I have now new demand/s - to have a no Saturday work for a singular demand and to have further benefits if allowed to make it plural. I’ll be okay to have just one of both if I’m to stay in this company. Maybe I’ll just learn to love more of my work when I’ll have a baby hence, my enthusiasm will be focused in my newfound life. But now I’m really bored.

What am I thinking? Maybe I’m just not contented of what I have and wanting to acquire everything I want in life. HHHhhaaaaaayyyyy…….. I don’t know….. God is maybe really confused of me. What do you think?

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Mga Hinanaing (the unspeakable mind)

Why do we have a marriage life like this? I didn’t expect my marriage life to be this. The package is promising but the inside is unexpectedly awful. I thought given the much grace would give me a peace of mind and happiness but instead it’s only temporary. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m married with the responsibility of providing lives to a two families. I’m really crying now. I just can’t control the pain inside me. I really didn’t expect these all to happen in my marriage life. Everything at the start was planned. And that we have to delay having our baby for us to be stable but now! What happened? It’s like we’re starting to save all over again because we still have to take responsibilities of our unfortunate families. Why do we have to bear all these? I just hope something good will happen to us in the future in return. I also hope I still have the courage to fight my inner self to stop all these from happening. People think that we’re already fortunate to have big income but they just don’t know. And I also think that I’m already fortunate but it’s not easy.

I need to let these all come out…… do they know that I am suffering in some ways? That sometimes when I’m working all these keep haunting me? Do they have the fear or worry that I have right now? Or they’re just worry-free because they have the feeling that they can turn on us whenever they need us… Why are they so irresponsible of their actions that other people will have to bear the consequence? I want to shout to release the pain inside me….

Now I ask what really made me cry?…..
I cried because …
1) I didn’t expect my life to be this
2) I thought that having a life like this will just be okay as long as money will keep pouring in
3) I can’t afford to question my husband why? Because in the first place my family has been given much favor than his. I already knew then before La-arni was put to school that the other side if not it’ll be Ariel won’t find it hard to demand. Sometimes I asked, will our life be different if we didn’t let La-arni continue schooling? Besides before I agree with the idea the budget was only for La-arni there wasn’t any arrangement for Poloy. I think all these is because of La-arni’s schooling. If only I knew then…..

4) I’m tired of all these…. Would it be possible not to think of money? And worry only when zero balance come? As I’ve said everything was planned….. save-save-save for whom?

5) I don’t know…………. How can I deflate myself now, when all these are inside of me. I can’t afford to smile. I want to shut myself out to the whole world!…. Why? Why? Why?……

6) Are all these my obstacles in life? When others are having other problems will these be my share? Well God has succeeded…..he has let me cry. Or is it fate? Ariel says I don’t have to blame God….. then who will I? I guess I’ll blame fate because there’s nothing I can do about this except to accept my fate. And sad to say I can’t accept it. I accept it with bitterness.


I just poured in here all that’s in my heart and in my mind as of this moment. Now I'm calm....